thoughts.

physically pains me in my bones. i know that i will end by my own hands and mind.

03.12.24.

you can't control the flow of your life, even if you try the hardest to. i'm giving up on my dreams for something that i would've killed myself of some time ago. i can't guarantee that it worths it. i want to crawl out of my neverending misery, but i can't, because it chases me and spirals in my mind. i try to cope, the trace of it is getting less vivid. but almost every day brings tears and hesitation, just a small feeling of self-worth accidentally appears and fades from time to time. i know that i don't deserve it, i was morally right and always dreaming about bright perfect future, i would've done everything to make it right, i would've died, i would've continue living, everything that would've been needed to escape this. now it's hard to believe that i can build the future, while being incinerated by the causes of my own strong delusions. i've never changed, i've never forgotten and it feels like it will sting and burden me to death. i want to get rid of myself, i want someone to finish me as if i'm an animal who doesn't have a chance to recover. i didn't deserve it at all, because i've done everything and more than everything. this is unfair. it's a trauma not only for this certain experience, but for my whole perception of myself, for my abilities to trust, to feel, to be. if me making someone my meaning of life brings it to this state of devastation, does this all even worth it? how can people cherish this state of complete infatuation, when it can easily drag one to decease if something goes wrong by itself? why are people tend to judge, to call misbehaviour an abomination and then be crashingly hypocritical? how can you be ignorant enough to wish about someone wholeheartedly trusting you, just to let it down in a few days? i keep my way of treating others like i'm used to, i'm not able to revenge for injustice, to isolate my dreams and emotions, to be unforgiving. i don't want to lose these already damaged fantasies about the good life i've craved for, yet i feel like i'm losing myself, by quietly sorrowing after something that i can not repair. how come that somebody doesn't care even a little bit, and other one makes it their whole lifeblood, and becomes the one doomed to die, after giving out everything they've had?

it's draining to re-experience this all in my memory over and over again. but i just have to "stop reminding" about it. and tomorrow, i'll start all over again.

02.12.24.

i'm subscribed to an artist, whose works had traumatic experiences or were just relatable by themselves. recently they've started to make me cry. not because of their sad posts, but because of their positive ones. they've made it out of this state. why can't i? i know that i will never have what she has. i'm unstable and traumatised too, but seemingly too much to feel that im loved and to have the will to live. the thought alone scares me, as this is all i will ever be.
im permanently scared and defensive, the apprehension of me not being an ideal person makes me realise that i'm as replacable as every other person in this world. i have nothing really special in me, my personality is a result of my lack of self-confidence and self-respect, a mess of every opinion and fear i developed in hurry, as i'm not able to think reasonably. i badly crave to be something unique, first ever experience, something deeply wanted and unexpected, yet i crumble and fail every time. i don't worth a thing if i don't bring something new, and it physically pains me when i'm not the first or not exclusive enough. and i've went through a lot. i feel my importance and originality being ripped away with pieces of my body, because i'm nothing without it, there's no myself, i AM myself only when people perceive me as something. i'm something. i badly want to be THE something for you. the only light and only will, the only skin you'd like to touch, the only view you want to see, the only dialogue you want to keep, just as you in my perception. i've saved all my experiences, all my breakdowns, all my possible emotions just for you, to make you special, so you would want it. and i wish you knew. but i know that it doesn't make sense, when even myself, i'm not able to bear with my existence. it feels exhausting to me, no wonder it is so for you.

01.12.24.

it was a good day. i'm trying to make it end in a good mood aswell! kinda tireeed buut i've spent some time playing stupid roblox places with my beloved person, so, at least, i can do a throwback in memories and don't be as tired! they make me happier even in such periods of time where i'm completely hopeless. that's quite an ability.

04.11.24.

pumpkin got rotten and i had to throw it away. sad! i thought it would last a bit longer. today is better, though self-doubt and self-hatred still remain.
considering making a page with my art, but i won't have much time these days, sooo... i don't know.

03.11.24.

horrifingly long post, sorry guys. T_T

happy halloween, even though i'm a bit late... i'm still spooked anyways xd.
haven't got any special look or, at least, mood at this halloween. was slightly disappointed, because it's one of the only "celebrations" that i do and like at the same time. if not the only one, other such days are used to bring something upsetting with them. but i've made a funny pumpkin! maybe i'll share a photo of it, uh... he goes by "he" btw! cause he's my silly lil son who has a joyful aura. i also played one of my fav games with my fav person that day, so it was nice.
about special look, if i went outside that day, i'd definitely dress up as revenge era gerard way. i've already done it, and it's pretty easy, cause i've done it before on casual days too, lol.

TW themes from here. about being spooked, i've noticed a weird pattern in my behaviour and things that my anxiety is aimed on. probably never in my life i was genuinely scared of being k1lled, getting into a housefire, being k1dnapped, or other violent kinds of things that can happen to people and leave them live with it. i've started roaming in my mind to just understand that most of such events can't scare me, if they happen precisely to me. my associative and overly sensitive mind plays tricks on me, making me scared for my close people, even if nothing hints at danger beside my thoughts. even if they don't care that much, i suppose.
i've once asked other people about what they think about this, yet they said that "i'm scared of this happening to myself, i can't comprehend this happening to my known ones". i don't know how my way of viewing danger is called. selfless sounds wrong. i'm not being a hero, rather a bother instead. sometimes, living in my body feels like a constant "what if?"
i often get nightmares about things that happened to me in the past (not like i've listed, just mentally hard to cope with), terrified that they can happen again. what if they will?
what if i get physically hurt? things happen. what if they get hurt? how will they live? how will i live? what would i do?

P.S. unfortunately, today was an awful day, from its beggining to its end. yet again being told that i do unimportant stuff, as if i don't know it. not feeling like i want or need to live. i can only wish to stop being a disappointment, so i could feel that people care. losing my free time on nothing. don't even wanna play, read, watch anything. i hate being dependent on others' opinions. sorry for whining too much on here. maybe at least tomorrow there will be a positive update.

that's kinda how it is sometimes! i hope it wasn't too weird or boring to read. but thanks for watching and reading, if someone did so.

01.11.24.

today was a little bit better. i still get huge anxiety attacks while poorly trying to cope with it. i hope that i'll soon get through this hell. i want to live as i used to and to stop being scared, so badly want it.

27.10.24.

i don't feel a thing, this evening has drained my life sources. i badly wanna die, it was one of the worst days in my life, and it won't be over just yet. but i've updated my website. look how pretty it is. and there's now a brand new "about me" section.
P.S. don't mind the "go home" button running away...

26.10.24.

can't help but want to make this site look better, yet it's nearly impossible with my skills.

24.10.24.

im gonna go insane redacting allat.

23.10.24.